DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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