Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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