Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
