We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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