I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
