I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
