do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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