i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
