I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
