kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
