doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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