my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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