Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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