Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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