marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
