what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
