Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
