Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
