I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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