new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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