Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're too hungover to prance.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
