I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
