walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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