i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize