My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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