I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
