This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
