i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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