my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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