I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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