After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
