for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
ttyl tear gas
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
