And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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