my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
