I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize