he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
