i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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