I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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