one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
