so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
