Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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