I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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