You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
