how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
