I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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