masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
