Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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