Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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