dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
