Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
