All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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