Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
