Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
