but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
