I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
