You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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