Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
