It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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