Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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