my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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